Tales from the Outback
By Bryan Lutter
We got back from Dallas/Fort Worth (DFW), TX a couple weeks ago. We drove down there to catch UFC 103. One of the things we noticed about Dallas/Fort Worth (population 2 million) is that there are a few differences between that place and Gann Valley, SD (population 17).
The five differences between DWF, TX and Gann Valley, SD
1) Bar Scene is not the same in the two places. Before going to a bar/club in Dallas, one must dress properly.
If you are a guy, this means you need to drop roughly the value of a new semi-auto shotgun and a case of shells on an outfit. The outfit will look exactly like all the other dudes’ outfits. Your shirt will not be tucked in, your hair will stick straight up, and you will have three days of stubble growing. If you try to cut costs and buy cheap clothes however, you will just look like a bum. The holes in your jeans can only be made by a kid working in a sweatshop in Cambodia. That is a rule.
If you are a gal, this means you need to drop the value of TWO new semi-auto shotguns on an outfit. The resulting fresh set of duds will have your gal looking like a high-end prostitute, which is evidently the goal.
Dressing for a night out at Ken’s Service in Gann Valley involves putting on clothes. The “sniff test” will get you the cleanest dirty shirt you have. Your jacket and cap were provided by a seed corn company proudly displaying its logos. You can never go wrong in Gann Valley wearing bibs. The holes in your jeans will be made on the ranch. (Ditto for the chicks)
2) Their economies are different.
People in DFW trade the same money back and forth with each other. Near as I can tell its 100% retail/service sector. The entire thing is based on folks selling $150 jeans with lots of holes made in Cambodia to a guy who sells tickets at the movie theater to a girl who sells $8 cups of coffee to someone who sells a car made in Japan. It appears that as long as high-school girls in DFW never wear the same outfit twice in the same year, their entire system will continue without a hitch.
Gann Valley has a pretty boring economy. People there run around in blizzards carrying new-born calves on their back. They put these critters in their bathtubs on stormy nights. Then the next year they sell them for approximately the exact same amount their grandparents sold them for. Gann Valley is in Buffalo County, which recently beat out Shannon County SD as the poorest county in the USA. So when it comes to making $$, obviously the folks in my home town could learn a lot from the good people of DFW.
3) Entrepreneurship also has its divergence.
We met an enterprising individual in DFW who made it big. This little 5’3” fella with his cap on backwards stepped out of a $350,000 Bentley with three models and a bodyguard in tow. He had to take off his silly cap to enter the club, but the gals he was with had nothing left they could remove. This 25 year-old kid made a crazy video and sold it to “Girls Gone Wild” for $10 million dollars.
The same guy in Gann Valley would probably start up a hunting lodge. He would turn an old grain bin or chicken coop into a bar with bunk beds for hunters to stay. These hunters all have unlimited $$, because they come from the fantastical land of the Starbucks economy.
4) Lifestyles also have disparity between the two places.
I’m not sure why, but for the most part, really cute girls tend to move away from Gann Valley. At the same time, they tend to gravitate towards the Metroplex. I thought a lot about this, and I think the answer is found on the cover of magazines. What is on the cover of a men’s magazine like Maxim, etc? Why, a beautiful young girl is. What is on the cover of every single woman’s magazine? Gee golly, it’s the same thing, a beautiful girl.
So you see; booty is drawn to booty. Kinda like herds of critters if you will, they sort of move together. Dudes move to the land-of-the booty for obvious reasons. I figured this out, and it’s every guy in a Metroplexes job to look rich. That’s how you get the girl. Meanwhile, every girl’s job is to find out which fellas are faking their prosperity.
It’s an incredible system that keeps the engine of economic growth in urban areas humming along. Near as I can tell, roughly 95% of the US economic system is driven by the pursuit of booty.
5) Commodity consumption/production isn’t the same on both of these places.
While Texas leads the nation (including Alaska) in production of oil and natural gas, the Lone Star state is actually a net-importer of energy. There are lots of folks there who do a lot of stuff that consumes energy, so they import massive amounts of coal to fill their energy gap. At this point, I’m not sure whether or not TX is a net-importer of food, but given the massive number of restaurants, (Houston ranks number one, while DFW ranks number two in eating out per capita) I’d be surprised if they weren’t. Meanwhile reservoir levels in the DFW area are surprisingly low given the massive rainfall they enjoyed the last few years. It appears DFW will become a net-importer of water before long.
Buffalo County (home of Gann Valley) exports more energy on a per capita basis than nearly any organized (if you want to call us that) county in the nation. The Big Bend Dam on the mighty MO kicks out tremendous amounts of juice, while the handful of residents in the County sip tiny bits of it.
Cattle outnumber people in Buffalo County by nearly a thousand to one, and we export thousands of bushels of grain for every man, woman, and child. Drinking water is never even a thought.
Outside of those five differences, life in DFW seems pretty much the same as it is in Gann Valley. The toughest guy from both places is Travis Lutter. Travis fights UFC veteran Jason Macdonald in Canada on Oct 2nd. The fight will be available on HDTV via ppv. Folks from both of these towns will be pulling for Trav.